Phew!

Not going to lie. Things are difficult. It was incredibly hard to get back into the regular flow of things after such a wonderful weekend in Kentucky. Where good old country folks stroll simple, the most happening spot in town is your very own front porch, and everybody seems to carry a story that's worth pulling up a stool to hear. The hot day eases into the cool silence of night, which hangs loosely on skin, calms a troubled heart, and gives rest to a tired soul.
I don't know if I am going to finish at UT. I think I might go home and finish at Depaul. It would be interesting to go to a college where my brother is this huge athlete. I'd go back to being "Alex Mangan's sister"... I could be with my parents, people who love me no matter what, and not deal with pettiness anymore.Maybe try out for some plays in Chicago. Get back to my roots, attend a university where I am not just another number. One hook 'em midst thousands.
I feel like that would be taking the easy way out though. Bur I don't know the difference between the importance of challenging myself and the importance of taking care of myself. I need to get back to discovering who I really am. Can I do this in the environment of Austin? I have been lying, dodging, attacking, and simply killing myself for other people for so long that I sometimes have a hard time figuring out if what I am doing is really what my heart really wanted , or were my actions just a part of some game I was trying to play? I have wasted so much time and energy trying to make people, who do not care for me, like me. And for what? A half hearted connection every other month that usually only leaves me feeling dumb, disappointed, and insecure because I hear some stuff they said behind my back. Why have I allowed a person who doesn't even like me, why do I let their opinion matter and effect me? How silly.
So what do I want? What does Caetlin Rae want? NUmber 1. Get the HELL out of college. I have come so close so many times to throwing my hands up and saying screw it. Take a break. But I know myself. If I take a break Im going to be a cruise director and not look back once. I know have to finish college and get a degree. IN this economy there are homeless people with college degrees.
So Depaul or UT. I have put so much time, blood, sweat and tears into this university. But its hard to go to a college where they could take you or leave you. I'm not writing a thesis, I'm not an athlete, hell I'm not even in the business school, but I feel like my own school should care if I leave. I mean I pay enough for them to at least fake it. I want UT to cheer me on the way I have cheered it on for countless years, and not look down its nose at me. They let me in, now deal. Don't treat me like I don't belong. I wore burnt orange for you people for God's sake! I sang your slave song! Think about it...
Sadly, I can't see myself anywhere else, but so much of me does not want to stay. So while I mull over things, I go to Summer school, I work, and I count the days till I am back on that quiet little porch, breathing deep and easy. What do I want? NUmber 2. Peace.