" I long for the
sweet summer nights
christened by the symphonies of crickets
scraping their serraded bows,
limbs lifting themselves and their melodies
to an unseen sky.
When your skin
is saturatured with baby oil
after a long day
of chamelion-like activity.
Changing shade after shade
of skin to achieve the golden
bronze blaze
made royal by acient epyptian queens
whos time ran out long before the sand that now surrounds them.
The nights where mystery
humms in the air
and chance is pregnant with possibility
Where country roads stretch out
longer than the fingertips
of two lovers being pulled apart
Where if things go right
a world can be created from the beginings of hope
that life can exists
purely between souls breathing
and living in a shared
succession of moments."
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Phew!
Not going to lie. Things are difficult. It was incredibly hard to get back into the regular flow of things after such a wonderful weekend in Kentucky. Where good old country folks stroll simple, the most happening spot in town is your very own front porch, and everybody seems to carry a story that's worth pulling up a stool to hear. The hot day eases into the cool silence of night, which hangs loosely on skin, calms a troubled heart, and gives rest to a tired soul.
I don't know if I am going to finish at UT. I think I might go home and finish at Depaul. It would be interesting to go to a college where my brother is this huge athlete. I'd go back to being "Alex Mangan's sister"... I could be with my parents, people who love me no matter what, and not deal with pettiness anymore.Maybe try out for some plays in Chicago. Get back to my roots, attend a university where I am not just another number. One hook 'em midst thousands.
I feel like that would be taking the easy way out though. Bur I don't know the difference between the importance of challenging myself and the importance of taking care of myself. I need to get back to discovering who I really am. Can I do this in the environment of Austin? I have been lying, dodging, attacking, and simply killing myself for other people for so long that I sometimes have a hard time figuring out if what I am doing is really what my heart really wanted , or were my actions just a part of some game I was trying to play? I have wasted so much time and energy trying to make people, who do not care for me, like me. And for what? A half hearted connection every other month that usually only leaves me feeling dumb, disappointed, and insecure because I hear some stuff they said behind my back. Why have I allowed a person who doesn't even like me, why do I let their opinion matter and effect me? How silly.
So what do I want? What does Caetlin Rae want? NUmber 1. Get the HELL out of college. I have come so close so many times to throwing my hands up and saying screw it. Take a break. But I know myself. If I take a break Im going to be a cruise director and not look back once. I know have to finish college and get a degree. IN this economy there are homeless people with college degrees.
So Depaul or UT. I have put so much time, blood, sweat and tears into this university. But its hard to go to a college where they could take you or leave you. I'm not writing a thesis, I'm not an athlete, hell I'm not even in the business school, but I feel like my own school should care if I leave. I mean I pay enough for them to at least fake it. I want UT to cheer me on the way I have cheered it on for countless years, and not look down its nose at me. They let me in, now deal. Don't treat me like I don't belong. I wore burnt orange for you people for God's sake! I sang your slave song! Think about it...
Sadly, I can't see myself anywhere else, but so much of me does not want to stay. So while I mull over things, I go to Summer school, I work, and I count the days till I am back on that quiet little porch, breathing deep and easy. What do I want? NUmber 2. Peace.
I don't know if I am going to finish at UT. I think I might go home and finish at Depaul. It would be interesting to go to a college where my brother is this huge athlete. I'd go back to being "Alex Mangan's sister"... I could be with my parents, people who love me no matter what, and not deal with pettiness anymore.Maybe try out for some plays in Chicago. Get back to my roots, attend a university where I am not just another number. One hook 'em midst thousands.
I feel like that would be taking the easy way out though. Bur I don't know the difference between the importance of challenging myself and the importance of taking care of myself. I need to get back to discovering who I really am. Can I do this in the environment of Austin? I have been lying, dodging, attacking, and simply killing myself for other people for so long that I sometimes have a hard time figuring out if what I am doing is really what my heart really wanted , or were my actions just a part of some game I was trying to play? I have wasted so much time and energy trying to make people, who do not care for me, like me. And for what? A half hearted connection every other month that usually only leaves me feeling dumb, disappointed, and insecure because I hear some stuff they said behind my back. Why have I allowed a person who doesn't even like me, why do I let their opinion matter and effect me? How silly.
So what do I want? What does Caetlin Rae want? NUmber 1. Get the HELL out of college. I have come so close so many times to throwing my hands up and saying screw it. Take a break. But I know myself. If I take a break Im going to be a cruise director and not look back once. I know have to finish college and get a degree. IN this economy there are homeless people with college degrees.
So Depaul or UT. I have put so much time, blood, sweat and tears into this university. But its hard to go to a college where they could take you or leave you. I'm not writing a thesis, I'm not an athlete, hell I'm not even in the business school, but I feel like my own school should care if I leave. I mean I pay enough for them to at least fake it. I want UT to cheer me on the way I have cheered it on for countless years, and not look down its nose at me. They let me in, now deal. Don't treat me like I don't belong. I wore burnt orange for you people for God's sake! I sang your slave song! Think about it...
Sadly, I can't see myself anywhere else, but so much of me does not want to stay. So while I mull over things, I go to Summer school, I work, and I count the days till I am back on that quiet little porch, breathing deep and easy. What do I want? NUmber 2. Peace.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Here we are..Again?
Hey guys.
So going into my freshman year in college, I had this blog. I started it because it was the first Summer that was not going to end with me heading back to a place where I had none: High School. I knew that I was shedding old skin, snake that I am, and slithering towards a new horizon.
I arrived at college. My world was literally turned upside-down, which isn't difficult to do to an extremely sheltered Christian. Random things would stick out to me, like the face that I could watch TV all day if I wanted to without living with the fear that my mother would walk in the room. Nothing was out of my reach, no adventure too crazy. These past 4 years have been such a whirlwind it is difficult to try and type words that could begin to resemble them. Most of you who would even take the time to read this have probably have been a witness as your windows in my time line opened and closed.
I think, as I sit and ponder my journey thus far, that is the saddest thing for me. You see, when you read a play, you have this wonderful omniscient ability to tell when a character will enter into a scene, and when they will leave it. You know, enter stage left, exit stage right. You have it in your hands. You know where every character is and where they are going. As the reader, you know when a character exits for the last time.
Well consider college to be a play, me the main character, and the plot is a revolving door of characters entering stage left, changing my life, and then exiting right without a glance back.
You know those scary movies? When even the people in the audience scream out "RUN BITCH! HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!" ...............I feel like that's my life and I'm Helen Keller, with egg all over my face, trying to spell out something that makes sense.
So here I am. Four years later, my parents are pulling out what hair they have left but I am tenacious as hell, it feels like my heart has broken more times than it has had a chance to beat, a semester away from a degree..and I don't know if I have the will in me to do it.
I'm tired of having best friends for 2 weeks.I'm tired of being so easy to leave. I'm tired of insecure, two-faced, cowards...But Mostly, I'm tired of being this person. I'm not a victim anymore and I need to stop acting as such. I have been through enough to where life's instances should bounce off me. They don't, but they don't leave such a crater anymore. One step at a time, take things day by day. I have made such strides this summer and I get exited when I think about the progress I have already made. And I can't forget it.
My goal: Happiness. I was really close recently, but I feel as though the air is changing, and I just might have another chance.
So here we go with the blog again. Time to record my adventures, and there will be many, as I start this last semester of college, living in the same dorm I did my freshman year. My first night of college I sat outside on a bench and looked around. I looked at all of the empty space and wondered how many future memories it might hold for me. Looking back now, it's quite the experience to fill in the blanks with some tears, but always a smile.
So going into my freshman year in college, I had this blog. I started it because it was the first Summer that was not going to end with me heading back to a place where I had none: High School. I knew that I was shedding old skin, snake that I am, and slithering towards a new horizon.
I arrived at college. My world was literally turned upside-down, which isn't difficult to do to an extremely sheltered Christian. Random things would stick out to me, like the face that I could watch TV all day if I wanted to without living with the fear that my mother would walk in the room. Nothing was out of my reach, no adventure too crazy. These past 4 years have been such a whirlwind it is difficult to try and type words that could begin to resemble them. Most of you who would even take the time to read this have probably have been a witness as your windows in my time line opened and closed.
I think, as I sit and ponder my journey thus far, that is the saddest thing for me. You see, when you read a play, you have this wonderful omniscient ability to tell when a character will enter into a scene, and when they will leave it. You know, enter stage left, exit stage right. You have it in your hands. You know where every character is and where they are going. As the reader, you know when a character exits for the last time.
Well consider college to be a play, me the main character, and the plot is a revolving door of characters entering stage left, changing my life, and then exiting right without a glance back.
You know those scary movies? When even the people in the audience scream out "RUN BITCH! HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!" ...............I feel like that's my life and I'm Helen Keller, with egg all over my face, trying to spell out something that makes sense.
So here I am. Four years later, my parents are pulling out what hair they have left but I am tenacious as hell, it feels like my heart has broken more times than it has had a chance to beat, a semester away from a degree..and I don't know if I have the will in me to do it.
I'm tired of having best friends for 2 weeks.I'm tired of being so easy to leave. I'm tired of insecure, two-faced, cowards...But Mostly, I'm tired of being this person. I'm not a victim anymore and I need to stop acting as such. I have been through enough to where life's instances should bounce off me. They don't, but they don't leave such a crater anymore. One step at a time, take things day by day. I have made such strides this summer and I get exited when I think about the progress I have already made. And I can't forget it.
My goal: Happiness. I was really close recently, but I feel as though the air is changing, and I just might have another chance.
So here we go with the blog again. Time to record my adventures, and there will be many, as I start this last semester of college, living in the same dorm I did my freshman year. My first night of college I sat outside on a bench and looked around. I looked at all of the empty space and wondered how many future memories it might hold for me. Looking back now, it's quite the experience to fill in the blanks with some tears, but always a smile.
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