You know, that whole thing about me being worried about which college to finish at? Well problem solved. I'm not. Finishing that is. Just for right now. Because to be honest I have done the research. Without a College Degree I can.
1. Hand out towels for $12 an hour at a resort in Captiva, FL, where the recipients of these towels at said resort, are parents of my former high school classmates, or hell at this rate, my former classmates themselves.
2. Maroon myself on the island that DIsney Cruise line stops at and be one of their merry little island workers, working (hah!) in the underground slave trade. They have reinvented the Bermuda Triangle. But don't worry. Every Sunday they have a staff BBQ, volleyball game and all. And you know how much I love games...about as much as I love rapists.
3. An Air Traffic Controller or Airline Pilot. Military service is a plus. I got nothin'. Must pass medical and drug tests, as well as a security clearance. Man.. That security clearance is going to be a tough one. But seeing as how I am not 23 years of age, nor could I pass the Federal Aviation Administration's test, I don't see how that could work out.
4. Mine Manager. They must plan mining procedures, enforce safety rules, implement
training programs... and more. Or so says an associated content article I read. I could just picture myself resembling Derek Zoolander as he ventured with brothers and pop to those crusty caverns. Waaahaaayyyyy more laughable though.
5. Nuclear Power Plant Instructor. Not kidding. I don't even know what that means and I could still apply. "Previous military nuclear experience is also a plus" What the hell does that mean? Yes. I was the one who pressed the go button and dropped Big Boy on Hiroshima. Twas I. Now will you hire me so I can not live with my parents anymore? Kay Thanks.
6. Casino Manager. YES. Finally something I can work with! "Superb People skills needed" Ok, OK , I'm with you. "Exhibit strong leadership" alright " intelligent" I'm clinging to that still. I always loved that movie Casino, it has more Glitter that Mariah.
Man, with all those options, I was a fool for wasting my time for so long! I can't wait to become a mine manager. Who knows, I may follow up on that dream to go to the Cayman Islands and completely start over.
My sister picked me up from the air port, bless her heart, and stops at McDonalds to quench my yearnings for my hourly diet coke. We are sitting in there, and she says " Look Caetlin, they're hiring. " Complete dead pan response from my face. "Too soon?"
So essentially, I'm home. Yes I'm that person we all talk about at Thanksgiving and quietly thank ourselves we aren't in their terrible situation. Wah wah wah I know, but, I have not a clue what to do with my life. I feel like a miserable townie.This shows you that you never can really judge or look down your nose at anyone, because you never know who's shoes you are going to end up walking a mile in.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
DAVE MATTHEWS BAND - Grey Street Lyrics
Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street.
She thinks, "Hey, how did I come to this?"
I dream myself a thousand times around the world
But I can't get out of this place.
There's an emptiness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her it might
She says "I pray oh But they fall on deaf ears,
am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place? "
Oh There's a loneliness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
There's a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
Oh It'd take the work out of the courage
But she says "Please
There's a crazy man that's creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street
and the end of the world."
Oh there's an emptiness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To Grey
Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street.
She thinks, "Hey, how did I come to this?"
I dream myself a thousand times around the world
But I can't get out of this place.
There's an emptiness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her it might
She says "I pray oh But they fall on deaf ears,
am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place? "
Oh There's a loneliness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
There's a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
Oh It'd take the work out of the courage
But she says "Please
There's a crazy man that's creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street
and the end of the world."
Oh there's an emptiness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To Grey
Thursday, July 31, 2008
The Living Dead
" I long for the
sweet summer nights
christened by the symphonies of crickets
scraping their serraded bows,
limbs lifting themselves and their melodies
to an unseen sky.
When your skin
is saturatured with baby oil
after a long day
of chamelion-like activity.
Changing shade after shade
of skin to achieve the golden
bronze blaze
made royal by acient epyptian queens
whos time ran out long before the sand that now surrounds them.
The nights where mystery
humms in the air
and chance is pregnant with possibility
Where country roads stretch out
longer than the fingertips
of two lovers being pulled apart
Where if things go right
a world can be created from the beginings of hope
that life can exists
purely between souls breathing
and living in a shared
succession of moments."
sweet summer nights
christened by the symphonies of crickets
scraping their serraded bows,
limbs lifting themselves and their melodies
to an unseen sky.
When your skin
is saturatured with baby oil
after a long day
of chamelion-like activity.
Changing shade after shade
of skin to achieve the golden
bronze blaze
made royal by acient epyptian queens
whos time ran out long before the sand that now surrounds them.
The nights where mystery
humms in the air
and chance is pregnant with possibility
Where country roads stretch out
longer than the fingertips
of two lovers being pulled apart
Where if things go right
a world can be created from the beginings of hope
that life can exists
purely between souls breathing
and living in a shared
succession of moments."
Phew!
Not going to lie. Things are difficult. It was incredibly hard to get back into the regular flow of things after such a wonderful weekend in Kentucky. Where good old country folks stroll simple, the most happening spot in town is your very own front porch, and everybody seems to carry a story that's worth pulling up a stool to hear. The hot day eases into the cool silence of night, which hangs loosely on skin, calms a troubled heart, and gives rest to a tired soul.
I don't know if I am going to finish at UT. I think I might go home and finish at Depaul. It would be interesting to go to a college where my brother is this huge athlete. I'd go back to being "Alex Mangan's sister"... I could be with my parents, people who love me no matter what, and not deal with pettiness anymore.Maybe try out for some plays in Chicago. Get back to my roots, attend a university where I am not just another number. One hook 'em midst thousands.
I feel like that would be taking the easy way out though. Bur I don't know the difference between the importance of challenging myself and the importance of taking care of myself. I need to get back to discovering who I really am. Can I do this in the environment of Austin? I have been lying, dodging, attacking, and simply killing myself for other people for so long that I sometimes have a hard time figuring out if what I am doing is really what my heart really wanted , or were my actions just a part of some game I was trying to play? I have wasted so much time and energy trying to make people, who do not care for me, like me. And for what? A half hearted connection every other month that usually only leaves me feeling dumb, disappointed, and insecure because I hear some stuff they said behind my back. Why have I allowed a person who doesn't even like me, why do I let their opinion matter and effect me? How silly.
So what do I want? What does Caetlin Rae want? NUmber 1. Get the HELL out of college. I have come so close so many times to throwing my hands up and saying screw it. Take a break. But I know myself. If I take a break Im going to be a cruise director and not look back once. I know have to finish college and get a degree. IN this economy there are homeless people with college degrees.
So Depaul or UT. I have put so much time, blood, sweat and tears into this university. But its hard to go to a college where they could take you or leave you. I'm not writing a thesis, I'm not an athlete, hell I'm not even in the business school, but I feel like my own school should care if I leave. I mean I pay enough for them to at least fake it. I want UT to cheer me on the way I have cheered it on for countless years, and not look down its nose at me. They let me in, now deal. Don't treat me like I don't belong. I wore burnt orange for you people for God's sake! I sang your slave song! Think about it...
Sadly, I can't see myself anywhere else, but so much of me does not want to stay. So while I mull over things, I go to Summer school, I work, and I count the days till I am back on that quiet little porch, breathing deep and easy. What do I want? NUmber 2. Peace.
I don't know if I am going to finish at UT. I think I might go home and finish at Depaul. It would be interesting to go to a college where my brother is this huge athlete. I'd go back to being "Alex Mangan's sister"... I could be with my parents, people who love me no matter what, and not deal with pettiness anymore.Maybe try out for some plays in Chicago. Get back to my roots, attend a university where I am not just another number. One hook 'em midst thousands.
I feel like that would be taking the easy way out though. Bur I don't know the difference between the importance of challenging myself and the importance of taking care of myself. I need to get back to discovering who I really am. Can I do this in the environment of Austin? I have been lying, dodging, attacking, and simply killing myself for other people for so long that I sometimes have a hard time figuring out if what I am doing is really what my heart really wanted , or were my actions just a part of some game I was trying to play? I have wasted so much time and energy trying to make people, who do not care for me, like me. And for what? A half hearted connection every other month that usually only leaves me feeling dumb, disappointed, and insecure because I hear some stuff they said behind my back. Why have I allowed a person who doesn't even like me, why do I let their opinion matter and effect me? How silly.
So what do I want? What does Caetlin Rae want? NUmber 1. Get the HELL out of college. I have come so close so many times to throwing my hands up and saying screw it. Take a break. But I know myself. If I take a break Im going to be a cruise director and not look back once. I know have to finish college and get a degree. IN this economy there are homeless people with college degrees.
So Depaul or UT. I have put so much time, blood, sweat and tears into this university. But its hard to go to a college where they could take you or leave you. I'm not writing a thesis, I'm not an athlete, hell I'm not even in the business school, but I feel like my own school should care if I leave. I mean I pay enough for them to at least fake it. I want UT to cheer me on the way I have cheered it on for countless years, and not look down its nose at me. They let me in, now deal. Don't treat me like I don't belong. I wore burnt orange for you people for God's sake! I sang your slave song! Think about it...
Sadly, I can't see myself anywhere else, but so much of me does not want to stay. So while I mull over things, I go to Summer school, I work, and I count the days till I am back on that quiet little porch, breathing deep and easy. What do I want? NUmber 2. Peace.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Here we are..Again?
Hey guys.
So going into my freshman year in college, I had this blog. I started it because it was the first Summer that was not going to end with me heading back to a place where I had none: High School. I knew that I was shedding old skin, snake that I am, and slithering towards a new horizon.
I arrived at college. My world was literally turned upside-down, which isn't difficult to do to an extremely sheltered Christian. Random things would stick out to me, like the face that I could watch TV all day if I wanted to without living with the fear that my mother would walk in the room. Nothing was out of my reach, no adventure too crazy. These past 4 years have been such a whirlwind it is difficult to try and type words that could begin to resemble them. Most of you who would even take the time to read this have probably have been a witness as your windows in my time line opened and closed.
I think, as I sit and ponder my journey thus far, that is the saddest thing for me. You see, when you read a play, you have this wonderful omniscient ability to tell when a character will enter into a scene, and when they will leave it. You know, enter stage left, exit stage right. You have it in your hands. You know where every character is and where they are going. As the reader, you know when a character exits for the last time.
Well consider college to be a play, me the main character, and the plot is a revolving door of characters entering stage left, changing my life, and then exiting right without a glance back.
You know those scary movies? When even the people in the audience scream out "RUN BITCH! HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!" ...............I feel like that's my life and I'm Helen Keller, with egg all over my face, trying to spell out something that makes sense.
So here I am. Four years later, my parents are pulling out what hair they have left but I am tenacious as hell, it feels like my heart has broken more times than it has had a chance to beat, a semester away from a degree..and I don't know if I have the will in me to do it.
I'm tired of having best friends for 2 weeks.I'm tired of being so easy to leave. I'm tired of insecure, two-faced, cowards...But Mostly, I'm tired of being this person. I'm not a victim anymore and I need to stop acting as such. I have been through enough to where life's instances should bounce off me. They don't, but they don't leave such a crater anymore. One step at a time, take things day by day. I have made such strides this summer and I get exited when I think about the progress I have already made. And I can't forget it.
My goal: Happiness. I was really close recently, but I feel as though the air is changing, and I just might have another chance.
So here we go with the blog again. Time to record my adventures, and there will be many, as I start this last semester of college, living in the same dorm I did my freshman year. My first night of college I sat outside on a bench and looked around. I looked at all of the empty space and wondered how many future memories it might hold for me. Looking back now, it's quite the experience to fill in the blanks with some tears, but always a smile.
So going into my freshman year in college, I had this blog. I started it because it was the first Summer that was not going to end with me heading back to a place where I had none: High School. I knew that I was shedding old skin, snake that I am, and slithering towards a new horizon.
I arrived at college. My world was literally turned upside-down, which isn't difficult to do to an extremely sheltered Christian. Random things would stick out to me, like the face that I could watch TV all day if I wanted to without living with the fear that my mother would walk in the room. Nothing was out of my reach, no adventure too crazy. These past 4 years have been such a whirlwind it is difficult to try and type words that could begin to resemble them. Most of you who would even take the time to read this have probably have been a witness as your windows in my time line opened and closed.
I think, as I sit and ponder my journey thus far, that is the saddest thing for me. You see, when you read a play, you have this wonderful omniscient ability to tell when a character will enter into a scene, and when they will leave it. You know, enter stage left, exit stage right. You have it in your hands. You know where every character is and where they are going. As the reader, you know when a character exits for the last time.
Well consider college to be a play, me the main character, and the plot is a revolving door of characters entering stage left, changing my life, and then exiting right without a glance back.
You know those scary movies? When even the people in the audience scream out "RUN BITCH! HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!" ...............I feel like that's my life and I'm Helen Keller, with egg all over my face, trying to spell out something that makes sense.
So here I am. Four years later, my parents are pulling out what hair they have left but I am tenacious as hell, it feels like my heart has broken more times than it has had a chance to beat, a semester away from a degree..and I don't know if I have the will in me to do it.
I'm tired of having best friends for 2 weeks.I'm tired of being so easy to leave. I'm tired of insecure, two-faced, cowards...But Mostly, I'm tired of being this person. I'm not a victim anymore and I need to stop acting as such. I have been through enough to where life's instances should bounce off me. They don't, but they don't leave such a crater anymore. One step at a time, take things day by day. I have made such strides this summer and I get exited when I think about the progress I have already made. And I can't forget it.
My goal: Happiness. I was really close recently, but I feel as though the air is changing, and I just might have another chance.
So here we go with the blog again. Time to record my adventures, and there will be many, as I start this last semester of college, living in the same dorm I did my freshman year. My first night of college I sat outside on a bench and looked around. I looked at all of the empty space and wondered how many future memories it might hold for me. Looking back now, it's quite the experience to fill in the blanks with some tears, but always a smile.
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